Self-Responsibility

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you." Wayne Dyer

A theme which has emerged for me over the past few weeks is how we blame others or feel like victims of our circumstances, and in the process completely disempower ourselves.  Our default mode is to try and change what is on the outside, while steadfastly refusing to look within and make any change ourselves. 

I don’t want to explore why we do this, but rather look at the effects of this choice. Are you frustrated and do you feel powerless over any situation at work or home? If you are, then you are probably trying to change someone else or something over which you have no control. Are you taking responsibility for your part in this situation?

Let’s break the word RESPONS-IBILITY down.
RESPONS-IBILITY….or your ABILITY to RESPOND.

How do you chose to respond when a person isn’t behaving the way YOU want them to behave? Have you found that the more you try and get them to change, the more they don’t. You CAN’T control how somebody else thinks, feels and behaves. You CAN control how you chose to think, feel and behave about the person or the situation. Once you examine how you chose to think about the person and behave towards them, something seems to shift. You make this choice for your own peace of mind and not to try and change the other person. I have seen again and again how, once we chose our responses and make the changes within us, the person or situation seems to miraculously change.

Personal responsibility is a choice. As I see it, we have two options:

• The easy path, which involves blaming, making excuses and whining, the result of which is a sense of being disempowered in the long run, or
• The difficult path, which involves taking full responsibility for how you are think, react and feel and making choices about how you will think, react and feel going forward. This option is a lot more hard work, but is sure to lead you directly into your personal power.

The choice is yours, as are the consequences.

This blogpost was inspired by Bongiwe Nxele.

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Change the way you're heard by learning to listen better

"Everything we do depends on the quality of our thinking. Our thinking depends on the quality of attention that we have for one another." Nancy Kline

Listening with an open heart is a skill and an art. A good listener creates a safe and enabling space for the speaker so that clarity, creative ideas and solutions can emerge with ease. Quality listening facilitates greater self-awareness and self-responsibility. It reminds people that they matter. Effective listeners remember that words have no meaning—people have meaning.

Listening as an art form...what is it actually?

Listening might appear, on the surface, to be a passive activity, where not very much is happening at all. But actually a lot goes on in between the gap of 'hearing' and 'quality listening'. It's all about the quality of the space that the listener gives the speaker while they are speaking. And it’s in the gap that the magic starts to unfold.



Here are 5 tips that will help you to listen better.

• Check your internal state first. Your state of mind is relaxed and fully present, you’re focused on the speaker and are interested in what they have to say.
• Watch your body language. Your body language should reflect what is going on in your head, and should indicate to the speaker that you they have your full attention. Keep your eyes on the speaker, your arms and legs uncrossed and nod encouragingly to show that you are interested.
• Listen on all levels. As much as you are listening to the words and the language, it’s more important to listen to the message beneath the words. Listen to the tone of voice and try and identify the emotions behind the words. Listen to what’s not being said or what’s being avoided.
• Listen to what people mean. Listen without making assumptions or interfering. Clarify to make sure that you have understood what has been said and ask “What else?” to find out more.
• Listen without judgement. Watch yourself while you are listening and try and put to one side your own values, beliefs and judgements and allow the speaker complete freedom to express their thoughts.

 And what it’s not… 

These are some of the things we do that tell people very clearly that “You don’t matter.”

• You’re distracted, have indifferent body language, you’re thinking about other things while listening or you are interrupting, rushing the speaker and finishing their sentences. All this says to the speaker “I’m not really interested in you.”
• Turning the attention onto you or sharing your own story or a similar event gives the speaker the message that “What I have to say is more important than what you have to say.”
• Advising and judging says “I believe that I know what’s best for you.” or ‘I don’t believe in you.”

I challenge you to pick something in this article that that jumps out at you, and then go and practice it every single day for one month, and once the month is up, reflect on the changes that you see in your relationships at work and at home. I would love you to share your experiences and insights on this blog.

My parting thought to you is this: If we don’t learn to really listen to others, how will we ever learn to listen to ourselves, to hear the quiet whisperings of our own hearts?

This article was inspired by Dr Russell Hopkins, whose quality of attention and ability to listen is unparalleled.

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